


Blame

by Remma3760



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Episode: s01e12 The Defiant One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-07 20:57:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6823843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remma3760/pseuds/Remma3760
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of the events in The Defiant one seen from different perspectives as John and Rodney try to come to terms with the disastrous mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rodney

They blamed him. Brendan had said people would talk, and he had been right. Not right about the jealousy, but about the blame? Absolutely.

Rodney winced as he recalled his reaction when Brendan accused him of feeling threatened by a younger, sharper mind. Of course, Brendan hadn´t meant it. He was just scared, bitching and moaning to keep the terror at bay. Rodney would have done the same, did, in fact, do the same on a regular basis. If he had only played along, the whole thing might have turned out differently. That´s what he should have done. Snarked back, played along. Pretended that everything was fine. That nothing life shattering had happened. But he hadn´t. He couldn´t. He had reacted badly, aghast at the casual mention of Brendan´s youth, and Brendan had seen. Brendan had known.

Even after that, there should have been a way not to let him see how much of his future had vanished. How much life the wraith had stolen from him. Brendan should never have had to see that. Rodney should have been more convincing. He should have been more persuasive. He should never have given Brendan the mirror. No wonder the poor man had given up hope. How could someone who set so much store at being the boy genius, a wunderkind, cope with being an old man. 

It wasn´t his fault. Rodney tried to say the right things, but it always came out wrong. Never once had he ever claimed to be good with people. He was the lead scientist in Atlantis because he was the smartest, not because he was a happy huggable human being. He wasn't lovable. He wasn't now and neverhad been a peopleperson. Once upon a time, he had tried to please, but somehow he could never quite carry it off. So instead, he pretended that he didn´t care if no one liked him; that he didn´t care what anyone thought of him. He hid his insecurities and self-doubt behind a wall of arrogance. 

Even so, he should have seen how afraid Brendan was. Maybe if he hadn´t been so worried about Major Sheppard. Brendan was right about that, too. Thinking about it, Brendan had been remarkably astute for a man who was mostly dead. Brendan had been right when he said that Rodney had changed. The old Rodney would never have considered leaving a place of relative safety to venture forth and confront an adversary as terrifying as a seemingly indestructible wraith. 

Nevertheless, Rodney had not only considered it, but had actually wanted to do it. Because he was worried about Major Sheppard. He knew he wasn´t brave. So many things scared him. At least now, he had a compelling reason to worry, a fearsome enemy shared by every man and woman on Atlantis. No one need ever know that even more than the wraith, he feared failure. Yet even that had changed now. Before, his need to succeed had been all about maintaining his reputation, at being the best and brightest. Now, his every achievement was inextricably linked to the good of Atlantis. More that anything he feared that he would fail his friends. That everyone would die because he wasn't good enough. And that was why he had needed to help Major Sheppard. Because the loss of John Sheppard was the most terrible thing he could imagine.

It should have been a consolation to know that he had been able to help. The Major had even thanked him. Of course, that was before he found out how Brendan had died. After that…well, after that, what was there to say?

Maybe if they had come back together in the jumper, just the two of them, they might have been able to talk. But that hadn´t happened. It was simply assumed that they…the team…would come back together. And so he had had to endure fifteen hours of Teyla and Ford´s curious, accusing stares. Well, Ford´s accusing stares. Teyla´s cautious glances had been more compassionate than condemnatory, but then, Teyla was the most non-judgemental, fair-minded and rational person he had ever known. Maybe it was living her whole life under the constant threat of having her soul sucked that made her so wise; who knew. Rodney was just grateful to have her in his life. 

Comforting as Teyla´s sympathy was, it still couldn´t ease the bone deep ache he felt at Major Sheppard´s withdrawal from him. The Major had barely spoken a word the whole way home, seeming vague and distracted, answering questions but not really communicating. He never once looked Rodney. It hurt so much more than he could ever have imagined, this loss of respect from the man whose opinion he so valued. Now, whatever had been developing between them, whether friendship or something deeper, it was gone, and its absence was devastating. 

He would have given anything to be able to go back. To do it again. To do it right. This time, he wouldn´t be so overconfident, so arrogantly sure, that nothing could have survived for so long. These were aliens, for god´s sake. He should have known better than to make assumptions based on nothing but his own entrenched beliefs. If only he had continued to scan for life signs, or had recognised the danger sooner, then all of this could have been avoided. Brendan and Abrahams need never have died. 

Why had Brendan done it? Did he sacrifice himself so that Rodney would be free to help the Major? Rodney had certainly never meant to make Brendan feel like a burden, but he was just so worried. How many times had he said that he couldn´t leave Brendan? Once, twice, more than that? He couldn´t remember. He was sure that he had said it more than once, but he hadn´t meant…he hadn´t thought…oh god, why had Brendan done it. 

Ultimately, it didn´t really matter whether Brendan had acted out of selflessness or fear. Either way, the responsibility must be borne by Rodney. Rodney would have to live the rest of his life with the guilt of his friend´s death, Rodney who would hear the echo of that single gun shot each cold and lonely night. It had been Rodney´s duty to care for his injured friend and he had failed to do so. 

He understood why they blamed him; they were right to do so. It was his fault.  
 


	2. Aiden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now it's Aiden's turn.

He should have put a stop to it. The minute he heard them talking like that, he should have put them straight. They were friends of Abrahams and Gaul, so it was natural for them to be upset that their friends had died. Natural for them to sound off and want someone to blame, but really, he should have jumped in and stopped it. 

He should have pulled the plug on their bitch-fest right away. He should have ended it before it got out of hand. He didn´t know why he hadn´t, really. It wasn´t as if he believed any of it. Rodney could be a pain in the ass, but he would never…I mean, sure he got scared, but he had never put any of them in danger. He had always backed them up.

If only he had been on that mission. He should have been on that mission. Teyla too, but definitely him. He was the Major´s 2IC, not McKay. It was his job to watch the Major´s back, and at the end of the day, that´s just what he had done. They had swooped in like the cavalry, arriving just in the nick of time and blowing that son of a bitch wraith out of existence. He had saved him, and yet the Major showed more gratitude to McKay. Aiden barely got a thank-you while McKay got the pats on the back and the warm looks. That was plain wrong. What had McKay done? Fail to realize that there was a wraith on the loose, that´s what. 

McKay was supposed to know that a wraith could survive for millennia. That was his job, to know stuff. So why hadn´t he? If he had been more careful, then the Major might never have been injured. Gaul and Abrahams might not have died. McKay should have foreseen the danger. He should have known. But he hadn´t, and now the Major was probably blaming himself, when none of it was his fault.

Of course, McKay didn´t screw up deliberately, no matter what those geeks might be saying. That was nuts. McKay simply hadn´t been trained to deal with combat situations, not as he and the Major had. What could you expect from a scientist? Maybe this incident would get the Major to see that he, Aiden should be the one to be most trusted, the one to be confided in, the one to come first. Maybe next time he wouldn´t be the one left behind in Atlantis.

Of course, after this fiasco, Major Sheppard would see that McKay simply wasn´t hero material. McKay needed to learn to stick with what he knew, yet it seemed that these days every time Aiden turned around, there McKay would be, buddying up to the Major and handing out unsolicited opinions. It was crazy. Did McKay really think that the Major would want to be friends with a man like him?

Sure, the Major had been spending a lot of time with McKay lately, but that meant nothing. What else could he do when McKay kept dragging him off to play with the latest Ancient toy or argue about some crackpot scheme? He was just being polite. It was obvious that the Major would rather be goofing around with his own kind of people. People like Aiden, for instance.

In fact, he should probably go and check up on the Major now. The Doc should be done with him and he probably needed to kick back with a friend. Someone who would help him take his mind off everything. He had been so quiet in the puddle jumper, so remote. Then there were the frequent furtive glances at McKay whenever McKay wasn´t looking. The looks that began after they had discovered exactly how Gaul had died.

Was it possible that the Major blamed McKay for what had happened? I mean, okay, Kavanagh was going too far in implying that Gaul might not have committed suicide, that perhaps McKay was the one to fire the fatal shot. That was way off base, but still; there was no smoke without fire, right? Gaul was alive and in McKay´s care when the Major left them, and then he was dead, an apparent suicide. You had to wonder how that happened. McKay had been surprisingly closed mouthed, especially for him. Could he be hiding something?

This was almost certainly what had been upsetting Major Sheppard. He would hate to think that he had misjudged one of his team, and if he had heard the talk, then he was probably wondering what to do about McKay. Certainly, he would appreciate some company, so that´s what Aiden would do. He would seek out the Major and take him off to get drunk on that terrifyingly potent hooch the Athosians regularly brewed. Help him put all this behind him.

Maybe it was just as well that he hadn´t interfered with the rumour mongering after all. It would do McKay good to realize that not everyone thought he walked on water just because he came up with a few good ideas occasionally. Besides, how could anyone know for sure what had happened on that wraith ship. Maybe McKay *was* to blame.


	3. Teyla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we have Teyla.

Of course, she had put a stop to it immediately. She still could not believe that otherwise reasonable people could be so irrational. How could anyone who knew and worked with Doctor McKay judge him so harshly. At least Doctor Zelenka had been championing McKay, even before her intervention. However, as for Doctor Kavanagh! She hated to be judgmental, but she really did not like that man.

More disturbing was that Teyla was almost positive that she had seen Lieutenant Ford hurrying away from the conclave of malicious, scandal mongering personnel. How could that be? Surely, if he had heard the unkind remarks he would have done as she had, instantly calling a halt to the vicious backbiting. He would certainly wish to support McKay against these spiteful rumours. She must have been mistaken. Ford could not have been there. He could not have heard and done nothing.

How could the details of the disastrous mission become so distorted? Men had died, and she knew how much that could hurt, but why would this pain demand a sacrificial victim? From whence came the need to hold another accountable? All Athosian children learnt early on that apportioning blame for life´s tragedies was a pointless exercise. These aliens were a complex race.

Now that she had come to know Major Sheppard, for instance, he was not as she had first supposed him to be. Then, she had thought him to be more like herself. A leader of his people, brave and true. While he was undoubtedly courageous, she had noticed a certain levity in his manner, a disregard for authority that was perplexing. Was it a childhood secure from the wraith threat that had allowed the Major to retain his belief in himself and his ability to conquer the universe?

She liked him certainly, respected his experience and dedication, but she recognised in him an arrogance that sometimes led him to close his eyes to alternate perceptions. He could be single-minded, and this was both his greatest strength and potentially his greatest failing. Consequently, the attraction she had initially felt had dissipated, settling into a satisfying and genuine friendship. Teyla was glad of this. An amorous liaison between them could only have complicated the team dynamic, especially if his affections were directed elsewhere as she now suspected. 

She smiled as she thought of Doctor McKay. He had surprised her. His egotism had never been a problem for Teyla. It was clear from the expectations of his people, also from her own observations that he was, indeed, the best. Since this was the case, she saw no reason for him to deny his proficiency. Another strange practice of this race, to feign ignorance and to downplay one´s own abilities.

She had, however, considered him self-seeking and inadequate under battle conditions. How wrong she had been. Teyla had soon come to see that his endless health concerns and complaints were simply a defence mechanism. He used them to maintain some semblance of control over an increasingly out of control situation. Teyla had also seen him put his own concerns aside when danger threatened. His fear became his strength, driving him to find the vital key to unlock whatever crisis they faced. He had impressed her, and continued to grow in her estimation. He was an honourable man, one with whom she was proud to serve.

This mission had been difficult for him. Teyla knew well the pain of loss. She had grown up with the knowledge that those she loved could be gone in a heartbeat, but for McKay this would be greatly shocking. True, it was not the first death he had experienced, but this was different. Doctors Gaul and Abrahams were colleagues, men for whom he felt a certain responsibility. He had chosen them for the mission. An apparently safe mission. And yet they had died, and while Doctor Abrahams was gone before the danger was fully recognized, Doctor Gaul had been in McKay´s care when he had taken his own life.

Teyla was certain that McKay had done everything in his power to aid his friend, but even so, it would be difficult for him to accept that the outcome was inevitable. Traumatic as the incident was, he had not broken down, but had rushed to Major Sheppard´s aid as soon as he was free to do so. From what she had learned, it appeared that his intervention had given the Major the time he needed to defeat the wraith.

Teyla was surprised at how the Major had isolated himself from them on the long journey home. She would have expected him to show more compassion toward his troubled friend. Doctor Gaul´s suicide had shaken him. He undoubtedly felt the guilt of that death, and probably Doctor Abrahams´ also. She could only hope that once he had had sufficient time to come to terms with the events, he would realise that McKay needed him. However, until that time, McKay would be alone, tormented by his perceived failures.

She had stopped the talk, but what if McKay had already heard it. Already knew what was being said about him. He should not have to deal with this pain by himself. He should be with someone who cared for him. Perhaps until Major Sheppard was able to fill that role, she could be that one.


	4. John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally we hear from John

Rodney must hate him. He should never have let things get so badly out of hand. He was a soldier, he should have known better than to let himself become complacent where the wraith were concerned. But he had let his guard down. It was simply inconceivable to suppose that anything could survive for ten thousand years. Ten thousand years. That was just…a hell of a long time.

Yet something had survived. A wraith had survived, and because of John´s inattention, it had nearly killed them all. Had killed Gaul and Abrahams. As soon as they found that cannibalised wraith corpse, he should have had Rodney check again for life signs. He knew that a hibernating wraith wouldn´t register on the scanner, so he should have ordered frequent scans. They were on a supply vessel, for god´s sake. Wraith take-out heaven. Enough food to last until…until some idiot stumbled along practically begging to be lunch.

He had left two inexperienced scientists alone in a particularly vulnerable situation. God, he might as well have hung 'please suck my soul signs' around their necks. He was responsible for them, and he had let them down. Then, when everything had gone to hell, he had left Rodney to deal with his sick, no, his dying friend. Sure, he could sound off about needing to stop the wraith from contacting his people, and that truly had been a concern, but not his only reason for giving chase. No, his primary motivation had been much less noble. He was pissed. A wraith got the drop on him, and he wanted to even the score. How juvenile was that?

He had shouted Rodney down, overruled him. He had ignored Gaul´s plea not to be abandoned, and done exactly what he had wanted to do. And didn't that go well. He couldn´t even get into the jumper, let alone defeat the wraith. He had completely wasted one of his two wraith grenades by playing with it without having the least idea what it was. He should have asked Rodney. Rodney could always figure out stuff like that.

Still, the other grenade should have done the job. How in hell could the wraith survive a grenade blast at point blank range? Unbelievable. That had been his last hope. He went on fighting of course. At least he could give Rodney the best possible chance to survive until help arrived. 

Then suddenly help did arrive. Only they were still to far away to help. He had almost laughed at the irony of it. He was going to die within minutes of rescue. He would have died if not for Rodney. Rodney had been amazing. Completely clueless, but so determined. He had done everything John had told him to do, and even when he was out of ammunition, he had not run. He had stood his ground, terrified, but ready to give whatever John asked of him, even his life.

That was the thing about Rodney. He was always scared but he never panicked. John had been so wrong about him. He had thought he was an arrogant, selfish, egotistical prick. He hadn´t particularly wanted him on his team, but the main aim of their missions was to find a working ZPM, and Rodney was the best bet for that happening.

It hadn't taken long for him to change his opinion. He had come to realise that the overconfidence was a shield. A defence mechanism designed to protect Rodney´s fragile self-image. John could understand that. He could remember how, back in school, the smart kids were always the ones victimised. Teased and tormented, all in the name of jock entertainment. John had done his fair share of geek baiting, hiding his own intelligence behind a wall of sarcastic one-liners. Hardly surprising, then, that Rodney now took the opportunity to flaunt his intellectual superiority before the very men who would once have taunted him.

And so they had become tentative friends, increasingly spending their free time together. John was surprised at his satisfaction with the new friendship, but it wasn't really so unexpected. There were so few people in Atlantis with whom John could relax. Being the ranking military officer had drawbacks he had never anticipated, the most disagreeable being the isolation. John was used to being popular; to being one of the guys, and now that was not entirely possible.

A true friendship with Ford, for instance, was impossible. He liked the kid well enough, but all that eager, puppy dog adoration could get very wearing after awhile. Then there was Teyla. She was a damned attractive woman, and at one time, he had thought that something might happen between them. He was relieved now that it hadn´t. Not that she wasn´t a compassionate, generous, kind-hearted and all around wonderful person, because she was all that and more. Trouble was, there was no sparkage between them. Sometimes he would do, or say something, and she would look at him and he could see her thinking that he must have been raised by wolves.

At first, he put it down to the fact that she was from a whole other galaxy, so obviously, her cultural references couldn´t be the same as his, but it was more than that. Before they had come here, he had met that guy from SG-1. Teal´c. He, too, was an alien, yet he had a deliciously ironic sense of fun. He used his difference as a source for his sly humour. He could never imagine Teyla doing that. Excellent human being she might be, but funny? Not so much.

Which left him with Rodney. Rodney, to whom he never had to explain himself. Rodney who knew exactly what he was getting at the second the words left his mouth. Bitchy, cynical, patronizing Rodney. Rodney, who was always fun.

Even then, in spite of his growing affection for him, he never really believed that Rodney would be of any use in an emergency. He expected to have to protect Rodney. He should have realised he was wrong that day in the puddle jumper, stuck in limbo with a wraith bug leeching the life out of him. Rodney had saved them then, but deep down, John had believed that he was mostly saving himself.

The dark entity, which had threatened to force them out of Atlantis, shattered his complacent attitude. When the personal shield had dropped off the instant it was suggested that Rodney, being invulnerable, would be the best person to confront the entity, he had laughed. It was what he expected, after all. Rodney was a scientist, not a soldier. He was allowed to be weak.

What he had never expected, what he would have pickled his own eyeballs in aspic before predicting, was that Rodney would choose to walk into that thing. It still filled him with awe at the thought of Rodney silently replacing his shield and slipping past them all to be engulfed by the darkness. Rodney was scared, sure, but then, so many things scared him. Yet he never gave up, never hid from the fight. He must have been insane to think Rodney was gutless. Rodney was the bravest man he knew.

He should have told him that. He should have told Rodney how proud John had been to see Rodney facing up to the wraith so courageously. He would have, but then Rodney had told him that Gaul was dead. He looked so upset, so unlike himself, that John had decided to give him time to grieve. They had fifteen hours in the jumper after all. Time enough to tell Rodney all the things he wanted to say.

He should have let Rodney fly them home. He had said he would, but he hadn´t. Damn, that flying lesson he had given Rodney was fun. Not that Rodney was any good. Marginally better than Beckett maybe, but that wasn´t saying much. It was just such a blast to see Rodney playing at being McKay - Space Pilot Extraordinaire. It was good to see Rodney stress-free and having fun. He had griped at Rodney´s sucky aerial skills, but deep down, he had been having fun, too. It was so cool to share his love of flying with someone he l…someone he really liked.

But that was before. Before he had found out how Gaul had died. Before he realised what Rodney had had to cope with; alone. Before everything was screwed. No wonder Rodney had been so distressed. John had felt so guilty at the consequences of his decisions that he was barely able to look Rodney in the eye.

Rodney must hate him. He wouldn´t blame him if he did. All the same, he deserved to know how well he had conducted himself. John should tell him. Even if Rodney told him to go to hell, John should tell him. He should track him down and make sure he understood. He owed it to Rodney, and he would do it, now, before he lost his nerve. Because he wasn´t as brave as Rodney.


	5. John and Aiden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Aiden talk

John ducked rapidly out of sight, sneaking peeks around the corner until Elizabeth disappeared through the sliding doors. He knew she was going to the infirmary to debrief him, and he really did need to speak with her, but not now. Now, he needed to see Rodney. Elizabeth could wait; Rodney could not.

He should never have left it this long. Once he had started to think instead of wallowing in his own guilt, he could clearly see how upset Rodney had been at the deaths of his friends. He must have been blind to miss the despair in Rodney´s eyes. How could he have missed such desolation? How could he so completely disregard Rodney´s silence and depression, both so unlike him. He must have been blind.

"Sir."

Pulling up sharply, John barely avoided bowling over his 2IC who had launched himself cheerfully into his path. Blinking, he drew back. "Ford, hey, you need to quit jumping out at people like that. You could get hurt."

"Sorry Sir. Didn´t you hear me calling? You nearly walked right by me."

"I have a lot on my mind. I'm also kinda busy, so I'll see you later, okay?" John strode off, annoyed when Ford turned to trot along at his side. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Uh, I just thought, you know, rough day. I have some hooch in my quarters. If you wanted, we could…"

"Nice thought, Ford. Maybe later." With a pat on the back, John began to edge away. "Right now I need to go find Rodney."

"McKay? Why, what do you want with him?" Aiden frowned, not at all happy with the rejection.

"Like you said, rough day. I need to check that he´s okay."

"Why wouldn´t he be? It´s not like he was hurt or anything. In fact, he was the only one who got out easy."

"Are you serious? Do you have any idea what he's been through?"

"Oh, come on, Sir, I´m sure he´s fine. He´s probably sulking in his room."

"Sulking? I can´t believe you just said that. Sulking?"

"Well, you know what he´s like. He´s probably heard what people are saying and…"

"Hold on, back up a minute. What people, and what are they saying?"

"You haven´t heard?"

"What could I hear? I´ve been stuck in the infirmary since we got back. Again, what people, what are they saying?"

"You know, people. Mostly Kavanagh, Koch, Burns and the rest of that bunch. They were…uh…speculating about how Abrahams and Gaul died."

"What´s to speculate. They were killed by the wraith."

"Abrahams was. Gaul was shot."

"Gaul shot himself. Ford, what´s going on here?"

"It´s just talk, Sir. Like maybe McKay panicked and people got hurt because he wasn't on the ball. And you know, we really don´t know who shot Doctor Gaul, do we?"

"What are you saying here, that Rodney shot Gaul? Why the hell would he? It's not even consistent, for god's sake. One minute he's allegedly panicking, the next he's putting a bullet in his friends head just so he's free to come help me fight a wraith. Does that make any sense to you?"

"I didn´t say I believed it, only that they were saying it."

"So you set them straight, right?"

Aiden looked away with a diffident shrug. "How could I, Sir. I wasn´t there, and neither were you."

"No, I wasn´t. I left him alone to deal with Gaul, even knowing how scared Gaul was."

"What choice did you have, Sir. You had to stop the wraith."

"I should never have let it get to that stage in the first place. I was careless."

"It wasn´t your fault, Sir, you didn´t have adequate back-up. McKay should have…"

"Rodney did exactly what he was supposed to do. The responsibility for this screw up is mine, not his. I was in charge, not him."

"But Sir, if he had followed orders…"

"If he had followed orders, I´d be dead. God, you can be such a hall monitor sometimes, Ford. Look, Earth is in a galaxy far, far away. If we´re going to survive out here, we need to make up our own rules. Rodney understands that, and he´s doing his best to adapt. You need to do the same. You need to grow up."

"You want me to be more like McKay?"

"That´s not what I´m saying. Just try to be more…flexible."

"I am flexible."

"No, you´re not. You still buy all that crap they fed us. That being scared makes you a coward."

"Well, sure. If we all went to pieces the minute…"

"Ford, can´t you see that being scared is not the same as losing your nerve. The same as bravery and fearlessness are not the same thing. Sure, Rodney gets scared, so do I. It´s how you use your fear that counts. Being afraid, yet still doing what needs to be done. That´s brave, and that´s what Rodney is. Yes, he was scared, but not once did he crack. You were wrong before. I had the best back-up anyone could ask for. I had Rodney. If he hadn't come after me when he did, I'd be in the morgue with Gaul and Abrahams."

"You would have thought of something, Sir."

"No, I wouldn´t have, not in time. All I had left to fight with was my knife, and I doubt I could have held out for long with that. Rodney saved my ass, and that's the truth."

"How? He could never have killed the wraith."

"I know that, and so did he. It didn´t stop him trying, though, which is exactly the point I'm trying to make. C´mon Ford, you´ve been on the same team as Rodney long enough to know that he would do anything and everything to save any one of us."

"But, he´s always whining about his hypoglycaemia, and his allergies, and how he´s so much smarter than anyone else."

"He is smarter than anyone else. All the rest of it´s just talk. You should pay attention to what he does, not what he says. Think about it, when has he ever let us down?"

"I guess he hasn´t, but that´s not to say he won't. He´s not military, Sir, so does he really belong on a front line team? I mean, are you sure you can really trust him in a crisis?"

"I trust him absolutely, with anything. Believe me, I have no doubts about Rodney´s loyalty, and as his team mate, neither should you. Look, I don´t have time for this now, but this isn´t over. I think you need to go away and do some serious thinking, because if you can´t work with Rodney, then I need to know. And I´m telling you now, if I have to restructure the team, it won´t be Rodney who goes."

Unconcerned with Aiden´s look of shocked disbelief, John hurried away. His worry over Rodney´s state of mind was overwhelming now that he knew of the contemptible rumours running through Atlantis. What if something had been said to Rodney? Was it possible that Rodney was blaming himself? God, if he was, then what kind of interpretation would he have put on John´s silence toward him. Dammit, he should have talked to him sooner, straightened things out between them. He should never have left it so long.


	6. Teyla and Rodney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teyla and Rodney talk

She was sure that Doctor McKay was here. She had been knocking for over five minutes now, yet he still had not responded. It was clear that he wished to be alone, and yet it was equally clear to Teyla that he should not be allowed to be so. He had undergone a trying ordeal. It would be wrong of those who cared for him to leave him to suffer in isolation.

"Doctor McKay, It is I, Teyla. I wish to speak with you. I will remain at your door until you permit me to enter."

Leaning against the door, Teyla listened intently for any reply, but there was only silence. Thinking that her efforts had failed she raised her hand to try again, but then, without warning, the panels began to slide apart. Relieved, she peered into the shadowy room, barely able to make out Rodney, hunched on his bed, legs drawn up and head down.

She moved cautiously toward him, pausing as she reached the huddled figure. "You are troubled."

"I´m fine."

"Yet you remain here in solitude."

"Look, Teyla, I appreciate you coming here, but it´s really not necessary. I´m used to being on my own. It´s no big deal."

"I disagree. I believe that in times of grief it is better to seek assistance from those close to you."

Rodney snorted, wrapping his arms even tighter around his knees.

Teyla frowned at his reaction. Was it possible that he was unaware that he had friends upon whom he could call? "Doctor McKay, your well-being is important, not only to me, but to many in Atlantis. There is Doctor Beckett, Elizabeth Weir, Major Sheppard…"

"And yet you´re the only one here."

Rodney finally raised his head, shooting her a piercing look. Teyla was shaken by his gaunt expression. She had expected him to be troubled, but the extent of his misery was shocking.

"I am the only one free to be here."

Sighing, he looked away. "I know that, of course I know that. I shouldn´t have said anything, I´m sorry, that was uncalled for. Major Sheppard was injured, after all. I can hardly expect him to care that I…and he´ll be needing Carson, and then Elizabeth will want to know what went wrong. We lost two people, so there´s going to be a lot of questions, and once he tells her…of course they wouldn´t have the time…I´m just being selfish. Why do I always…"

"It is not selfish to desire solace. The loss of Doctors Gaul and Abrahams is a tragedy, but it does not negate your own pain. I am in no doubt that Major Sheppard will come to you once he has been released from the infirmary. Until that time…"

"Why would you think that? Did he tell you he was coming?"

"I have not spoken to the Major since our return."

"So, just a guess, then."

"Yes, but it is a presumption based upon my observations of Major Sheppard´s character and priorities. He will come. I am sure of it."

"Well, maybe. I expect he´ll want to tell me in person that I´m off the team."

"I do not understand. Why would the Major wish to remove you from the team?"

"Isn´t it obvious?"

"No, it is not."

"Teyla, I screwed up. I took too long to realise that a wraith could have survived, and so Abrahams was killed and Brendan injured. Then, when I was supposed to be taking care of Brendan, I let myself get distracted. I wasn´t paying attention, and he died. I´d say that was reason enough, wouldn´t you?"

"Do you believe that Major Sheppard blames you for what occurred?"

"Of course he does. Couldn't you see that he did? He couldn´t even bear to look at me after he heard that Brendan had shot himself."

"Is it not possible that his silence was due more to his own sense of guilt than yours?"

"What would he have to feel guilty about? He did nothing wrong."

"Neither did you, and yet you judge yourself culpable."

"Because I am."

"You are not."

"If not me, then who?"

"Misfortune needs no ally."

"Excuse me?"

"Occasionally evil will befall us through no fault of our own."

"So, 'shit happens', huh?"

"I do not know this maxim. It does, however, seem fitting."

"Right. You´re probably the only one who thinks so."

"I doubt that is so."

"Then you can´t have heard the talk going around the base."

"Unfortunately, I have. Certain people seemed to be unclear as to your role in the events which transpired. I corrected their misapprehensions."

"You…really? But, how could you? I mean, you weren´t there. You don´t know what happened."

"I had no need to be present to know that you would have conducted yourself with honour."

"Oh. That´s…I don´t…you really mean that, don´t you?"

"Of course. Why would I not?"

"Because most people wouldn´t. But then, you´re not 'most people', are you? I don´t think I´ve ever met anyone quite like you before, Teyla. You have absolutely no agenda. Usually, when someone comes to me, it´s because they want me to do something for them. I´m not used to…you know, anyone just being…kind."

"Then you must become used to it, Doctor."

"So it would seem. Look, I´m not very good at this friendship stuff, and by tomorrow, I´ll probably be back to my usual self, so I´d better say this now while I still can. Thank-you for being here with me, Teyla. It means more to me that I can ever say that you came, so just…thank-you. As far as I´m concerned, getting to know you makes coming to Atlantis worth all the trouble."

Teyla laughed softly. "What about all your new technology?"

"Oh, don´t get me wrong, the stuff´s a blast, but I´ll take you over a ZPM any day."

Unexpectedly touched, Teyla reached out to take Rodney´s hand. She clasped it between both of her own, thankful when he repaid her gesture with a gentle smile. She knew that McKay would need time to recover fully from his ordeal, but she hoped that she had been able to help him a little. She had been right to ignore his apparent desire to be left alone. He had needed a friend. She was thankful that she could be that friend.


	7. John and Rodney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally we have John and Rodney.

He paused outside Rodney´s door, hand raised and ready to knock. He was sure that Rodney would have retreated here, especially if he had heard the rumours circulating the base. The problem was how would Rodney react to John´s visit? He was quite likely to tell him to go away. After that, barging in regardless might well aggravate him to such a degree that any suggestion to talk would be rejected out of hand.

Rodney might complain about anything and everything under the sun, but when he was truly upset, he tended to hide himself away until he regained his equilibrium. He didn´t like anyone to know how emotionally vulnerable he really was. Physically vulnerable, no problem. By now, the whole base knew, having heard endlessly, about his many and varied health concerns. He seemed to be able to trot out a new ailment on demand. Some medical reason why he absolutely had to be allowed to do exactly what he wanted to do. No one really took them seriously, not even Rodney. They were simply an entertaining distraction from whatever bona fide crisis they happened to be facing.

This was different. Rodney was genuinely desolate over the deaths of his friends. After all, they were the first of his science team to be lost. It was bound to affect him badly. And if he knew that certain factions were blaming him…well. John still found it hard to believe that anyone could think that Rodney could be in any way responsible for what had gone wrong. It was absurd.

But what if Rodney didn´t think it was absurd. What if Rodney believed it? John had done nothing to reassure him, had actively avoided speaking with him. He had done so because he was consumed with his own guilt, consequently completely missing the significance of Rodney´s withdrawal. It was long past time to correct that oversight.

Which brought him to where he was now, standing outside Rodney´s door, too scared of rejection to knock. Maybe he should just go on in. Rodney would probably be angry, but John was sure he could talk him around. At least, he could if he got the opportunity to talk, which he might not, if he was stuck out in the hallway conversing with the door.

Oh well, he had always abided by the rule that it was easier to apologise that to ask permission, so why change now? Using his security override, he opened the door and strode into the room, only to stop short at the sight of Teyla, standing at Rodney´s bedside and clutching his hand. This was unexpected.

"Teyla, wasn´t expecting to find you here."

"Major, I trust you are well."

"Sure, I´m fine. Apart from the stabbing pains in my arm, the aching muscles and shortness of breath, you know how it is."

As serene as ever, Teyla dipped her head with a smile. "I am glad you are recovered." Turning to Rodney, she gave his hand a final warm squeeze. "Did I not tell you that the Major would come?"

Rodney returned the gesture before releasing her. "You did Teyla, and again, thank-you. You've been a good friend."

"Hey, wait, you told him I´d be here? How could you know that?"

"Where else would you be, Major?"

"Well, when you put it like that."

"And now that you are here, it is time for me to leave. I am sure that you and Doctor McKay have much to discuss."

Still smiling she left, the door whispering shut behind her. John watched her go, and then turned his eyes back to the bed, and to Rodney. He cleared his throat nervously as he realised that now that they were alone he was actually going to have to have that talk.

"So, Rodney."

"Major."

"Rodney, you and Teyla, looking kinda cosy there. Anything I should know about?"

"Excuse me?" Rodney stared at him in surprise. That was not the question he had been expecting.

John stared back, somewhat surprised himself, since that was also not the question he had intended to ask. For some reason, though, it was the one he wanted the answer to. "Well, you know, as your C.O., if there´s anything between you and Teyla that could affect the team, then I should know about it. So…uh…is there…anything?"

"Are you serious? Me and Teyla?"

"Is that a yes?"

"What? No, of course not. She was here because she thought I might need a friend, and because she´s a warm, compassionate and kind-hearted person. Actually, I guess I should be flattered that anyone could believe that Teyla would be interested in me in that way."

"Why wouldn´t she be interested in you?"

"Because I´m me. Women like that are never interested in men like me. So don´t worry, Major, I´m not trespassing on your territory. As if I ever could."

"My territory? Are you nuts? Rodney, do you think I´m interested in Teyla?"

"Well sure, everyone knows that."

"Then everyone´s wrong. She´s a friend, that´s all. Why would you think I wanted Teyla?"

"Why? Oh, let me see, why don´t we try: beautiful, principled, strong, honest, decent and good. Shall I go on or is that enough of a reason for you?"

John frowned. Rodney was right, of course. He really should be attracted to Teyla, who was all those things and more. But then, couldn´t all of that apply equally to Rodney? Well, maybe not the beautiful, although he was awful cute when he got excited about some new piece of technology. The 'anxious bunny facing certain death look' was also strangely endearing. And he really did have a killer smile; at least, he did when he wasn´t being smug. Sure, he could be a pain in the ass, but somehow that just added to his appeal. See, that was the thing with Rodney. He was as annoying as hell at first, but the more you talked with him, the more you got to like him.

"Major, you still with me?"

"Huh?"

"You spaced out for a minute there. What happened, get caught up thinking about Teyla´s hotness?"

"Rodney, for the last time, I am not interested in Teyla. I agree that she´s a wonderful woman, but there´s something about her that kills any passionate impulse stone dead. Maybe it´s because she reminds me of my mother. It´s like any minute she´s going to make me drink milk or wear clean underwear."

"Oh my god, Miss Bornstein."

"Say what?"

"That´s it, that´s who Teyla reminds me of; Miss Bornstein. She was my first grade homeroom teacher and I adored her. Actually, I think I even wanted to marry her. She was the first person who didn´t make me feel like a freak for being smart. Even my parents used to look at me as though I was some sort of changeling, a weird cuckoo child left there by the nerd fairies while their real child was carried off to be a sporting superstar in Jockworld. She once told me that the only real crime was to squander our talents. Don´t you think that that´s just the sort of thing Teyla would say? I can´t believe I never saw the similarity before."

"Are you saying you want to marry Teyla?"

"I don't believe that you just asked me that. Are you naturally this obtuse, or do you practice in front of a mirror?"

"But you said…"

"I said I wanted to marry Miss Bornstein when I was in first grade. My criteria for a lifetime commitment have changed considerably since then. It does, however, explain why I admire Teyla so much. Why are we talking about this anyway? You surely didn´t come here to discuss my childhood crushes."

"No, no I didn´t. I…uhm…" Startled, John realised that he had begun to enjoy their exchange, which wasn´t at all how this meeting was supposed to go. What was it about Rodney that always got to him like this? Maybe, deep down, he had wanted to be distracted; this conversation was not going to be easy. He didn´t even know where to start. "I don´t know where to start."

"Why don´t I help you Major. I failed to detect a wraith presence; I failed to save Brendan Gaul; I failed to kill the wraith; you want me off the team. Right?"

"What? No, of course not. Rodney, no, you didn´t fail at anything. You were amazing, and you did everything you should have. I´m the one who got things wrong."

"You did not. It was my fault."

"Was not. I was in charge, ergo, I screwed up."

"But…but that´s insane. How could you possibly blame yourself? You weren´t even there when Brendan died."

"Which is kind of the point, isn´t it."

"Major…"

"Look, Rodney, none of this was down to you, okay? I made the decision to enter the ship; I left Gaul and Abrahams unprotected. I yelled at you and completely disregarded your opinions. I left you alone with an injured colleague."

"But you made your choices based on my recommendations. How could you know there was a danger when I kept telling you there wasn´t?"

"Because it was my job to know. For a start, I should have been better armed. I was supposed to be protecting you, and I didn´t."

"You did the best you could."

"It wasn´t good enough."

"At the time, it was all that was possible."

"I should have listened to you instead of shutting you up. Maybe your idea would have been better than mine."

"I didn´t have an idea."

"Yes you did. Your idea was that we should stick together."

"That wasn´t an idea, that was a panic attack."

"Still…"

"Besides, staying together wasn´t an option with Brendan incapacitated and a wraith on the loose."

"I guess. All the same, I shouldn´t have yelled at you."

"I shouldn´t have argued with you."

"You always argue with me. I expect it now; it helps me focus."

"This really isn´t getting us anywhere."

"No, not so much. Do you at least believe that it wasn´t your fault?"

"I don´t know. Maybe." Sighing, Rodney ran a hand through his hair, fixing a heartbreaking look of despair on John. "There´s still Brendan, though. I don´t know that I´ll ever stop blaming myself for Brendan, whether it was my fault or not. He was so damn scared, and I did nothing to make him feel better. How could I not have realised that he was suicidal? I should have seen it. I should have stopped him."

"Rodney, would you have done what he did?"

"Never."

"Then there´s your answer. Your mind just doesn´t go there, so you assumed that his wouldn´t either. It´s human nature to believe that other people think the way that we do."

"Interesting insight. Who knew you could be so profound."

"Hey, that's me, Mister sensitive."

"Sure it is, Major."

Reaching out, John grasped Rodney's shoulder, shaking it slightly to make sure he had his full attention. "You know, I really do know how you feel. It´s the same for me every time I lose a man. It´s tough, but you have to deal with it. You can´t let your regrets take you out of the game Rodney; we all need you too much for that. I need you too much."

"What could you possibly need me for?"

"Why don´t we start with how you saved my life from a wraith today?"

"Ford saved your life, and mine too, when he killed that thing. I barely even slowed it down."

"You put yourself in the line of fire for me. All Ford did was fire a missile from space."

"But if he hadn´t, we´d be dead. I could never have killed it."

"Rodney, a grenade at point blank range couldn´t kill it, what chance did you have with a handgun. God, I don´t have the words to tell you what I felt when I saw you standing there. I was so scared for you, but at the same time, so relieved that I wasn´t alone any more. Mostly, I was incredibly proud of you for coming after me like that. I´ll say it again, since you seem to have missed it the first time; you were amazing."

Shocked, Rodney shook his head in denial. "But I thought, I mean…afterwards, when you heard how Brendan died, you didn´t want me near you, you couldn´t even look at me. I assumed you blamed me. I thought…"

"I realise that now, and I am so, so sorry. I thought you blamed me for Gaul's death. After all, I´m the one who told you to give him the gun, and you were so obviously distressed that I just couldn´t face you. It never occurred to me what interpretation you might put on my behaviour toward you, not until I was in the infirmary and actually started using my head. Can you forgive me for being such an idiot?"

"Why not, I always have in the past."

"Aha, snarky Rodney returns."

"This is how I am, Major, so you better get used to it, because I seriously doubt that I´ll change now."

"I sure hope not, that´s another of the things I need you for."

"You need me to pick a quarrel with you?"

"Absolutely. In fact, you´re about the only one here I can argue with."

"And this is a good thing?"

"Oh come on, Rodney, don´t tell me you don´t enjoy the sniping too."

"I might, but then, I have a perverse and unreasonable nature."

John laughed, dropping onto the end of Rodney´s bed in a lazy sprawl. "That I won´t argue with. There´s no-one who can bug me as much as you."

"How gratifying. It warms my heart to hear that I´m the most irritating man in Atlantis. And here I was thinking it was Kavanagh."

"Hell, he´s a whole other kind of irritating. He´s the kind of irritating that makes you want to chew off your own arms rather than listen to his griping, nauseating whiny-assed grievances. Fighting with him would be no fun at all."

"Major…"

"John."

"What?"

"Me, John. My name. We all have one, and I would really like it if you would use mine. Hardly anyone here ever does. I miss my name. It kinda sucks being the ranking military officer, 'cause everyone´s always being…respectful. I´m not used to that."

"I imagine not."

"There, see, that´s exactly what I mean. You show absolutely no consideration for my position whatsoever."

"Again, this is good?"

"Well, obviously not if everyone was like you, but I need at least one person who I can just be me with, and not Major Sheppard."

"What about Elizabeth?"

"Oh god no. She may call me John, but she needs me to be the Major more than anyone. It´s the only way she can keep control. Besides, our relationship is inherently awkward."

"I don´t see why."

"Think about it. Elizabeth is in command of Atlantis, but she can only hold that position as long as I back her up. I´m the ranking military officer, and that means that every soldier on base follows my orders."

"You sound like you´re planning a coup."

"I wouldn´t deliberately countermand her decisions, but we don´t always agree on the right course of action. In a crisis, I would do what I believed was right, regardless of Elizabeth´s wishes. It´s just a matter of time before we clash over something. I´m not good at dealing with authority."

"Something of a quandary since you are the authority."

"Tell me about it. So, you're going to call me John now, right?"

"I suppose I can, since it means so much to you."

"Hey, if my best friend can´t, who can?"

John grinned winningly at his newly designated 'best friend'. His good humour rapidly evaporated, turning to concern, as Rodney seemed incapable of drawing breath, his mouth opening and closing like a stunned mullet. "Rodney, are you okay. Come on buddy, you need to breathe, you´re turning blue."

Drawing in a long shuddering gasp, Rodney stammered out his confusion. "But…but…but…"

"Could you please stop that? You sound like this crappy old lawnmower my Dad used to have."

"You said I was your best friend. I´m not your best friend. I can´t be your best friend. I´ve never been anyone´s best friend, except maybe my cat, and even with him I only barely beat out a squeaky blue mouse. I´m just not best friend material."

"I know. I thought I was going to dislike you intensely, but now it turns out that you´re the one person I most want to spend time with. Go figure."

By this time, Rodney was up and pacing, muttering to himself while obsessively wringing his hands. John strained to hear what he was saying, but all he could make out was the occasional 'no', 'insane' and surprisingly 'donuts'.

Getting up, he placed himself squarely in Rodney´s path, exasperated when Rodney simply turned and paced in the other direction. Reaching out, John grasped Rodney´s shoulders, holding him still, dipping his head to talk directly into Rodney´s face.

"Rodney, come on. Surely, this can´t be that much of a surprise. Why do you think I always look for you first when we have down time?" John decided not to mention that he was by now reasonably certain that it wasn´t only friendship that he looked for from Rodney. Maybe it was the throbbing vein at the temple that convinced him that Rodney would not be able to take any further revelations just yet.

"I don´t know. I thought you were probably bored, and wanting someone to irritate. Are you sure that you like me?"

"Astonishingly yes, I do."

"But…but…but…"

"Lawnmower, Rodney."

Shaking his head in confusion, Rodney tried to twist away from the hands still holding him. Annoyed when they refused to release him, he crossed his arms in front of his body and began to pout. "

"Major…"

"John."

"Whatever."

"Rodney."

"Okay, okay. John, would you please let me go."

"I don´t want to let you go."

"Well I do want you to let me go."

"Why should I let you go?"

"Because I want to pace and you´re stopping me."

"Fine, pace."

John raised his hands in the air, stepping back as Rodney immediately resumed the pacing and muttering. He watched for a moment in exasperation before reclaiming the shoulders. "Rodney, please, just stop. I´m getting a neck strain from watching you, and I really can´t take any more pain just now."

Rodney stopped, standing as far away from John as he physically could without breaking contact.

"Look, I´ve obviously upset you somehow, but I´m damned if I know how. Is it so terrible being my friend?"

Sighing, Rodney leaned a little closer, but still refused to raise his head and meet John´s eyes.

"C´mon Rodney, this isn´t like you. Couldn´t you insult me, at least a little?"

"I´m not used to this friend stuff. First, it´s Teyla saying she cares about me, and now you. I don´t know how to deal with it."

"Look, nothing's really going to change. You´ll bitch and moan and be your usual rude, sarcastic and obnoxious self. Teyla will smile and be polite and nice, Ford will be confused and I´ll bitch back. And maybe every now and then we can hang out and talk."

"Major…John, you and I have absolutely nothing in common. What on Earth would we talk about?"

"We´re not on Earth."

"And that makes a difference?"

"None whatsoever, but didn´t it sound cool?"

That got a laugh, and finally a direct look. John stared into Rodney´s eyes, stunned by the uncertainty and hope he saw there. Rodney wasn´t kidding. He really didn´t have any idea how to deal with the fact that he was wanted. Apparently, not being on Earth made a difference after all.

Maybe for the first time in his life, Rodney had let down the walls, allowing himself to care. Why was he so surprised that he would be liked in return? Did he really not know what a fascinating and intriguing man he was? Yet, had they not been trapped in another galaxy, John might never have taken the time to get to know a man so different from anyone he had ever met before, and that would have been his loss. Rodney was a difficult and complex enigma, but ultimately, he was worth every aggravating moment spent figuring him out. Now all John had to do was convince Rodney of that.

Letting his hands stroke downwards to grip Rodney´s biceps lightly, he tried to convey wordlessly all of his own deep affection for his friend. Rodney´s eyes widened as they continued to gaze at each other and John wondered nervously if he had, perhaps, revealed more than he had intended. He was sure now that his feelings for Rodney far surpassed simple friendship, but he was still undecided on how to deal with those feelings.

Yet another disadvantage of being ranking military officer. No way was he going to be able to indulge in a relationship with anyone, let alone Atlantis´ lead scientist, without consequences. Pegasus galaxy or not, ´Don´t ask, Don´t tell´ couldn´t be ignored. Sooner or later, they were likely to either go home or make contact with Earth, and then what? He could hardly expect the whole base to lie for him, and as for Rodney, discretion wasn´t a word that instantly sprang to mind.

Of course, he didn´t even know if Rodney returned his feelings, although he rather suspected that he did, and even if he didn´t John was confident in his powers of persuasion. Which brought him back to whether or not he had the right to try to persuade Rodney into anything when he wasn´t certain what kind of commitment he could make.

It was Rodney´s breath ghosting across his cheek that snapped him back to reality. He realised with a start how far they had leaned toward each other, close enough now to kiss. Rodney´s eyes began to close, his lips slightly parted. At that moment, more than anything, John wanted to take what was offered, but instead he pulled away. Regretfully he released Rodney who swayed toward him, blinking in stunned confusion.

Much as he might want to grab hold of Rodney and never let go, he wasn´t going to. For once in his life, he needed to think before he acted. He wasn´t prepared to risk hurting Rodney by being impulsive. Rodney was too important to him for that. For now at least, he needed to concentrate on being the best friend he could be. There was no prospect of leaving Atlantis in the near future, time enough to explore anything that might develop between them.

"John?"

Looking uncertain, Rodney reached out to lay his hand against John´s chest, fingers lightly caressing.

"Rodney…"

Suddenly aware of what he was doing, Rodney gasped, barriers dropping into place, his fists clenching in distress as he backed away.

"Major, I didn´t mean…I…look, I…"

"What happened to John?"

"What?"

"Just now you called me John, now it´s back to Major again. I thought we had at least agreed that we were friends."

"I don´t recall agreeing to anything. In fact, I distinctly remember you telling me I sounded like a broken down motor and that I bugged you more than anyone you‘ve ever known before."

He didn´t add 'so there', but John heard it clearly all the same. Well, it looked like Rodney´s sarcasm was back, always a good sign with him. John grinned at him, pleased that he had been right in provoking Rodney, satisfied that Rodney was now beginning to pull himself together.

"Of course you bug me. You´re aggravating, egotistical, obsessive, sarcastic and irritating."

"And yet I´m you´re best friend."

"You´re also brilliant, inspired, courageous and loyal with a wicked sense of humour. So yes, you´re my best friend."

Looking away with a wistful smile, Rodney sighed. "You didn´t let me drive us home. You said you would but you didn´t."

Suddenly serious, John could see how important this was to Rodney. For once, a joke wasn´t going to cut it. Rodney needed to know, without a doubt, that he was trusted. "You´re right; I should have let you fly."

"I thought it was because you were disappointed with me, but now you say…"

"Rodney, no, I absolutely wasn´t. I was disappointed with me and I kinda switched to automatic pilot mode. I just never considered how you would take it. I was stupid and thoughtless and I´m sorry. Apart from anything else, it was agony on my ribs and arm. Beckett gave me hell for putting so much strain on my injuries." John tried to look pathetic, hoping for the sympathy vote.

"And you can lose the wounded hero look. You'll get no sympathy from me."

Damn. "Why don´t we do it now?"

Rodney eyed him warily. "Do 'it'?"

"Fly. I could give you a flying lesson. Now. If you want to, that is."

"A flying lesson."

"Right. We could go to the mainland maybe."

"What for?"

"I don´t know. We could pick fruit."

"Did that wraith drop you on your head? Pick fruit? That is truly bizarre."

"Why, what´s wrong with fruit. I like fruit. Don´t you like fruit?"

"I have a …"

"Citrus allergy. I know. We can avoid anything…citrusy."

"This is an alien planet, Major. How would we…"

"John."

"As I was saying, John, this is an alien planet. How would we know what has citrus, unless you were thinking of bringing along testing equipment. Of course, then we´d need to take Carson too. I can do a great number of things admirably, but food product analysis isn´t one of them."

"Okay, fine, we´ll bypass the fruit; pick flowers instead, unless you have some kind of deep seated antipathy toward flowers too."

"Hay fever."

"Rodney, I know for a fact that you do not have hay fever."

"I may be developing it. I was sneezing for hours after the birthday party Simpson and Brewer threw for Lena Sedgwick. I put it down to the rather excessive flower baskets crammed into every orifice."

"Everyone was sneezing after that. You know perfectly well that Beckett traced it back to the spores from that big pink cactus thing McRaney gave her as a birthday gift."

"So, sneezing caused by plant pollen, ergo, hay fever."

"Spores from one particular, abnormally virulent type of plant, ergo, a fluke. So how about it, want to come flying with me?"

"I´m hungry."

"Huh?" John supposed that he really shouldn´t be surprised by the non-sequitur. This was Rodney, after all.

"I´m hungry. Do you have any idea how long it is since I ate?"

"None whatsoever. Why don´t we take a picnic?"

Shocked, Rodney stared at him open mouthed, his diatribe against those who didn´t fully appreciate his dietary requirements strangled at birth. Eyes narrowing suspiciously, he tried to determine whether he was being mocked. Deciding that food really might be on the cards, he fixed a calculating look on John.

"With MRE´s?"

"If that´s what you want, although I don´t know how you can like that pre-packaged junk."

"You might understand if you had ever tasted my mother´s cooking."

"Bad?"

"The kids at school used to borrow my blueberry lunch muffin for baseball practice."

"That sucks."

"Funny you should say that since that is exactly what we had to do with her meatballs. Splitting the atom would have been easier that cutting up one of those babies. We had the only dog in the neighbourhood who would run and hide at mealtimes. On the upside, my dressmaking skills are excellent due to the fact that the only way I could be out of the house on Thursday nights was by joining the school needlework group."

"And you needed to be out of the house on Thursday because?"

"Because that was the night my Mother served up leftovers. Most disturbing was the fact that none of the leftovers even remotely resembled anything we´d had all week, leaving one to wonder what and where they were left over from."

"You´re kidding, right?"

"Barely even exaggerating. My sister and I always made sure we went to the table wearing something with big enough pockets to conceal the most unpalatable disasters, which we would then bury in the back yard. We ruled out flushing stuff after a debacle involving some dumplings and a sewage backup of biblical proportions."

Weak with laughter, John collapsed back onto the bed, tears streaming from his eyes. He knew he probably shouldn´t be quite so consumed with glee, and it almost certainly hadn´t been as funny as Rodney made it sound, but my god, it could only happen to Rodney. No wonder the poor guy pounced on anything edible that passed within his culinary sphere.

Reaching out a hand, he looked up to where Rodney stood, considering him with an ironic smirk. "Hey, help me up."

Rodney hesitated a moment before taking the hand and yanking him to his feet. He let go immediately, but John was pleased to see that he didn´t back away, but rather allowed John to share his personal space.

"So, how about it, Rodney, want to go put together that picnic before you faint from hunger?"

"Faint is an entirely inappropriate term for a symptom caused by a recognised medical condition from which I am unlucky enough to suffer. I fail to see why my hypoglycaemia should be a constant source of amusement to you and the rest of Atlantis. The fact that…"

"You´re absolutely right and I apologise unreservedly for my insulting and insensitive remarks. I promise to be more considerate of your feelings in the future."

More than a little sceptical, Rodney none the less allowed himself to be mollified. "Okay, as long as it´s understood that I only ever pass out from manly hunger, and even that, only because I get so wrapped up in saving Atlantis from the constant threats we face that I neglect my own health."

"Absolutely. You totally should take better care of yourself. You´re a martyr to your work, Rodney. An example to us all."

Surprised, John realised that although he was teasing, he meant what he had said. Rodney could be self-absorbed, but when the chips were down, he was tireless in his efforts to protect his friends. He groused about it non-stop, but he always got the job done.

"Come on then, Rodney, lets go feed you before you pass out from hunger."

"Manly hunger."

"Well, obviously manly hunger." Throwing an arm around his shoulders, John guided a still grumbling Rodney out into the hallway. He may not be sure yet how far he was willing to take his relationship with Rodney, but in the meantime, Rodney needed to be taken care of, and he intended to be the one doing the caring. All the rest could be thought about later.

***The End***


End file.
